Strong on the Surface, not all the way Through
by BlackKeys09
Summary: Bella seems to be living a happy life with Jacob, but could she really be happy without Edward? If he doesn't come back for her by a certain date shes going to go look for him. Will she have to wait much longer? Or will he come back and take away her pain
1. Strong on the Surface

**Chapter 1**

**Strong on the Surface, Not All the way Through**

When Edward left, I was left with this gaping hole in my chest. Nothing seemed to be able to heal it. And then I met Jacob. He gave me temporary relief from the pain I felt, but he could never completely heal me.

I settled, knowing no one would ever compare to Edward, and Jacob seemed to be the next best thing. But every time I was with him, I was constantly thinking about Edward and how much better he was then Jacob.

His hair was too long, and not soft enough.

His eyes weren't green.

My heart didn't clench at the thought of being with him.

He didn't know Shakespeare off by heart.

I just wasn't strong enough to force myself to move on from Edward. I may have been strong on the surface, I made sure to put on a brave face whenever I was with Jacob, because he knew me, and he knew the hurt Edward had put me through. So if he knew that the pain had never gone away, or even dulled the teensiest bit, he would act different around me. I needed that sense of normalcy in my life. Despite the fact that it wouldn't ever make me happy. It kept me sane. So I tried to act like my old self and not cringe every time I thought of Edward. But whenever I was alone, I let myself break down.

I had gotten good at hiding it though. I think Jacob must just think that my face was permanently this red. It was always red because of the crying, my hair was always a mess because I wanted to pull it out every time I thought of Edward and I had gotten skinnier because I couldn't bear to do anything, let alone eat.

I had made my life the best it could be without him. But it wasn't enough. And it wouldn't ever be. Because I would never be over him. I never could be over him. Just the thought of him made my heart clench and I felt the need to take all the money I had saved up and just go search the world for him. Because I knew that I would. I would waste away my life looking for him.

But I was too much of a coward. Because if I did find him, there would be no way he would ever take me back. He said so himself. He didn't want me. And that fact alone was the thing keeping me from leaving Jacob forever.

Over the months I had started working more just to keep my mind off of him for even the smallest amounts of time. So I had a decent amount of money saved up. Just in case I ever did try to find him, I could continue the search for a while. I would spend it all before I stopped looking. I would only stop when it was completely necessary.

I hadn't ever told Jacob about me saving money. He would think I was insane and try to help me. He's just that kind of person. He's always been nice to me, a lot nicer then I deserve. Another reason I hadn't left was because I didn't want to hurt him.

As much as I could never see Jacob the way I still see Edward, I loved him. In a special way. Like if I hadn't ever met Edward, I could be happy with Jacob. But I did meet Edward. And I fell in the hardest, most amazing ways possible. The way that if the person leaves, your life is ruined.

I should've expected him to leave though. He was near perfect, and I'm plain, simple Bella. I would never compare.

As much of a coward that I was though, I had given myself a date. One day that I promised myself I would just leave everything and go look for him if he hadn't come back by then. I had given myself almost two years. And if he wasn't back by then, I would go look for him. I promised myself. I would go look for him.

But I still had time. And until that day came, I would continue my life as it is. Happy and full of meaning on the surface, and miserable and worthless on the inside.


	2. After my dreaming, I woke with this fear

**A/N:**** I'm pretty sure this is the fasted I've written ever, but I'm really excited about this story, especially now that I found an amazing Beta! **

**I'm insanely motivated with this story and I do want to have some chapters written in advance so I can update regularly…but we'll see.**

**Thank you to my fantastic new beta **_**silver-footsteps**_**. You made this SO much better then it was with just my writing.**

**­****Disclaimer:**** I do not own anything Twilight related. No copyright infringement was intended.**

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**Chapter 2**

**After my Dreaming, I woke with this fear**

I woke from my dream with a start. I felt petrified of everything around me and warm tears streamed down my face. The darkness of my bedroom was a welcome change from the vibrant green forest I had just seen.

I had, once again, dreamt of the night Edward had left me. The heartbreaking dreams that left me shaking, had happened every night for three months after he had left. Now, it had faded to at least two or three nights a week.

In some ways I was glad it was fading, but in others, I was terrified of not being able to remember what had happened. Because, even though it's my worst memory of Edward, it's also the most vivid. And if I can't remember that, how will I remember him at all?

Every time I woke up, I felt afraid of how I was living. It wasn't a satisfactory way to live, and if I wasn't careful, I would wake up one day 60 years from now, with nothing but memories of pain and sadness. That scared me almost as much as remembering how everything had come crashing down around me when he left.

Thinking of all this only made me want Edward in my life even more, and that made a fresh set of tears spill from my eyes.

I was glad I never agreed to Jake's idea. He wanted me to move in with him as soon as I graduated. But I could never let him see me like this. It would only cause him pain. As much as I tried to hide it, I knew he saw the pain that flashed through my eyes whenever something related to **him** was mentioned. My birthday is a particularly bad subject to bring up, even now.

After that night, everything changed. I winced when my friends had begun to say the name I dreaded. I almost burst into tears at the lunch table. Everyone eventually got the point, and I've been free of birthday talk for over a year now.

A year. It's been over a year since my last birthday. Over a year since he left me. I'm now 19 and in love with someone I can't have. How pathetic is that? I had been wallowing in my own self-loathing for over a year now, and I couldn't get myself together and fucking get over him.

I think I've been trying to convince myself that I actually can move in. But in my heart, I know I won't ever be able to. And that scares me. What if I'm never happy again? What if I just keep living like this for the rest of my life? I'm being selfish, keeping Jacob around. It's not fair to him, but I guess that's another thing I've been convincing myself of. Because after all I've been through, after all **he** put me through. Shouldn't I deserve some semblance of happiness? Don't I deserve to have some reason to live? And for me right now, Jacob is that reason. Jacob, and of course I've deluded myself into thinking Edward might come back some day. But if he's stayed away for this long, why would he ever come back?

Ugh. My brain doesn't make sense. I confuse myself. I'm surprised I've managed to not rip out all of my hair by now. Every time I think about Edward I get confused, and I contradict myself and I want to just pick up everything and leave. To go look for him.

But if he wanted me to come find him, wouldn't he have done something, given me anything, to make sure I'd be able to find him? Find his family?

Is he even with his family? How am I supposed to know? I would have expected Alice to do something, to make sure we stayed together. Hell, even Emmett could have done something. Any of them could have done something. They should have done something. Did Esme not tell me herself how happy I made Edward? Was it all fake?

What did I do to deserve this pain? And what did I do to deserve to have people like Jacob, Angela and my dad in my life?

Throughout all of this, my dad had helped me. Charlie tried, like trying to make dinner every once in a while, or knocking on my door when I used to scream in the night, my socially awkward dad had tried to comfort me. They were just little things to show that he's was there, and that he cared.

I don't think he knows how much that has helped me. Even just hearing his muffled snores during the night, reminds me that even though Edward is gone, people who care about me still exist.

And Angela. What would I do without Angela? She's the one that keeps me sane at school. The only reason I don't break down every time I step into a biology class room. I don't let anyone sit with me in biology. That won't ever change. If he ever comes back, he'll need a place to sit right? And at lunch, no one ever sits on one side of me. I didn't even have to say anything. But Angela, sweet, caring, perceptive Angela, must've realized. And she must've told them not to sit there. Because once I snapped out of my zombie stage, no one ever did.

And Jacob, just by being there, and letting me cry on his shoulder for those first few months. He's helped more then he knows. Because he's the only thing helping me fill that hole in my chest. He's the only thing keeping me from feeling like I'm going to rip in two because of the constant pain. He's the only thing keeping me from that agonizing loneliness.

A knock on the door snaps me out of my train of thought.

"Bells, you okay in there?" Why did Charlie have to become so observant? It seems like he always knows when I'm wallowing in sorrow and self-pity these days. Was it so obvious to everyone?

"Yeah, Dad, I'm fine. Do you want anything special for breakfast?"

"Whatever you want is fine by me." Of course.

"Alright, I'll be down in a minute."

So I got out of bed, brushed my teeth and threw on a sweater before going downstairs to continue on with the façade.

**A/N:**** So there's chapter 2! I hope you liked it. Even if you didn't, I'd appreciate a review. Constructive criticism is always good, but someone telling me they liked it, or asking me to update faster is actually so exciting. It makes my entire day and then I go and write because I don't want to disappoint that person. So! Review please! :D**

**ECIsMyHero**


	3. Help me Leave Behind Some

**A/N:**** Alright so the last two chapters were kinda, setting up the story, and this one is basically the transition? I promise after this chapter things will start to happen and it won't just be Bella's thoughts anymore. **

**Happy 4 days till the movie comes out! Good Lord I'm excited. I already have tickets for three shows and plans to go see it three more times after that. At least. I positively, absolutely can not wait! It's going to be SO amazing! I know that where I live there's a 10pm showing of the movie on the 20****th****…so I'm definitely going to that. Anyone else find shows before it was actually supposed to come out?**

**Thank you to the magnificent **_**Siler-footsteps**_**, for working her beta magic for me. **

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own anything Twilight related. No copyright infringement was intended.**

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**Chapter 3**

**Help me Leave Behind Some Reasons to be Missed**

I let the exhaustion seize over my body, hoping that after having three horrible sleepless nights, that I'd have a dreamless night tonight.

I closed my eyes and forced myself not to think about anything.

Slowly, I drifted off into a deep slumber, bundled up in my warm quilt.

"_Bella, Bella __wake up." That voice…_

"_Edward? Is that you?"_

_No…it couldn't be. Edward left me. What's going on?_

"_Yes Love, I'm here." But…wait. What?_

"_Edward, what are you doing here?" He better give me some Goddamned answers, and not just tell me to go back to sleep. Oooooh. Sleep. _

_I must be dreaming. _

_Well, this is a nice change._

"_I know I left you Bella, so I have no right to ask you to do anything for me, but please, can you do me one favor?" _

_He sat on the edge of my bed, leaning forward, one arm across my torso, holding him up while the other played with the seam of his shirt. _

_Well this is new, Edward nervous? This must be really important to him then._

"_I'm not mad at you for leaving Edward. I knew it was going to come sooner or later. There was no way someone like you could love someone like me." Even after everything he's done, in my dreams, I felt the need to reassure him,_

"_I know I've said it before Love, but you truly don't see yourself clearly. You are the closest thing to perfection the world has ever seen." He smiled gently at me, dazzling me without even trying._

_I blushed and turned my head away, smiling softly. _

_I was now sitting upright so that his arm crossed over my thighs, and our faces were inches apart._

"_So what was this favor Edward?"_

"_Be happy. Go out and do things. Have fun." He whispered, his sweet breath blowing in my face, making me dizzy._

"_I'll try.__" I paused, trying to figure out the right wording for what I wanted to say in my head. _

"_But you have to know by now that my world just isn't a happy place without you."_

_I blushed again__. Geez, you'd think that in my dream I'd blush less? But no, I can't even be perfect in my subconscious._

"_That's all I ask. I want you to have a happy life, filled with memories of laughter and joy."_

"_But you won't be here with me. What's the point of being happy if you're not with me?" _

_I threw in a small pout__, hoping he wasn't being serious. There was no way a dream could make me forget the sorrow and sadness my life was plagued with while he was gone._

"_I don't want to be the only one who remembers you for the wonderful, beautiful, talented Bella you are. I want everyone you meet to want to know you better. I want everyone to miss you when you're not with them, and I want you to do whatever you feel like doing. Just be happy."_

"_Okay." It was easy enough to agree to anything Edward asked me when he smiled like that. So I smiled and leaned in to get one last kiss from him. Even if it was in my dreams, it would count for something. And this dream was definitely better then most. In this dream Edward loved me, and wanted me to be happy, instead of most, where I replay him telling me he doesn't want me over and over again._

_As those few centimeters between us disappeared, I lost all train of though and let myself get caught up in the kiss my memory had conjured up. It was just as I remembered it, but less intense. As though there was some fog, clouding up my memory, forbidding me to remember the intensity our kisses used to have. It's as if I was shielding myself from more pain by not letting myself remember properly. _

_Oh well, if this was all I was going to get, I wasn't going to complain about the fact that the slow burn that usually always started in my stomach when we kissed wasn't ablaze. The embers were still there, trying to ignite the fire, but my mind wouldn't let it burn._

_And even though I was disappointed in the dream, I was glad that I wasn't setting myself up for even more pain when I woke up. Because I knew that when I woke up, I would expect Edward to be sitting in the rocking chair, as still as always, just watching me sleep. Just waiting for me to wake up, so we could spend the day together._

_But I wouldn't think about that now. I'd let myself enjoy the fact that my mind was letting my body have a relaxing sleep__, with Edward holding me, on top of the blankets while I attempted to drift into a deep sleep, in my dream._

"_Edward," I mumbled voice groggy. I was teetering on the edge of sleep. "Will you sing to me?"_

"_Of course Love, anything you want." _

_And so h__e started humming my lullaby softly, and I let myself enjoy it. Because this memory, the memory of his voice singing me to sleep, was one that I would never let fade. It was one that I would let myself remember throughout the years to come._

When I woke up the next morning, I thought about what the dream-Edward had said to me.

I didn't allow myself to wallow in my self pity that morning. I got up; feeling more determined then ever, got into my truck and drove over to Jacob's house.

Having heard the thundering engine of my truck, Jacob came outside to greet me.

"Jacob I need you to help me with something."

He must have sensed the urgency in my voice, because he took my hands in his much larger, warmer ones and nodded, looking into my eyes.

"Help me leave people with happy memories of me. Help me make them miss me when I'm gone. I want my life to have some sort of meaning. And I want to have fun." As I told him my request, I became more and more excited, my voice gradually building in volume. I felt a warm rush of blood in my cheeks that toned them bright pink.

He grinned hugely at me, his eyes sparkling with excitement.

"It's good to have you back, Bells."

My responding grin was just as big.

**A/N:**** Okay so there's chapter 3! I hope you liked it. Review please, they mean the world to me.**

**ECIsMyHero**


	4. Keep Me In Your Memory

**A/N:**** Hello my lovely readers. I have finally gotten to the point where stuff is going to happen. It just took 3 and 1/2 chapters. :D I am so sorry it took so long! I had writers block and then my beta's computer was going whacko so that took a while too…but enough excuses. Hopefully you like chapter 4! **

**Thank you to the magnificent **_**Siler-footsteps**_**, for working her beta magic for me. **

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own anything Twilight related. No copyright infringement was intended.**

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**Chapter 4**

**Keep me in your memory**

True to his word, Jacob helped me make my life fun again. That was something I didn't think could happen again after Edward left.

We went everywhere: the movies, the zoo, the fair, theme parks. We went on more road trips then I can remember. He brought me places I had always wanted to go, but never had the chance to; there were places I had never even heard of and places we saw in passing.

And through it all, we had fun. He kept me distracted from the stray thoughts of Edward, and made sure I was enjoying myself.

We took photos with everyone we met and everything we saw. We printed out all the pictures we took and spent hours together making scrapbooks to preserve our memories.

I spent the days with Jacob, enjoying the sun and his company. But at night, when I was left to my own thoughts, I dreamt about Edward. But gone were the dreams of him leaving me. He had left and I'd accepted that, and moved on from the searing pain I had once felt. Of course there was still the dull throbbing in my chest, but I wasn't expecting that to ever go away. But now my dreams were peaceful. I told him about my day, about anything really. We would spend hours talking and then I would fall asleep to the sweet sound of my lullaby.

Life was a lot more enjoyable now that I was actually living. After that first dream, I was able to focus on my life instead of the one I used to have.

I was still hoping that he would come back, and I would still go looking for him when the two years were up. I was acutely aware of the fact that that date was drawing close. I was scared of that. I wasn't going to break my promise to myself. When that date came, I would leave to go look for him. But what was I even going to do if I did find him? And how would I find him? I had no idea where to start looking. I was secretly hoping that I would stumble across the Cullens on one of these road trips. But so far, I'd had no such luck. I still had time though.

Then, one day, while we were on one of our countless road trips, everything changed. We had been driving for at least 5 hours and had just stopped at a diner in the middle of a small town. We were talking about the advantages and disadvantages of shelled sunflower seeds when I saw a small figure with short, spiky, black hair dance gracefully out of the diner.

My attention was immediately drawn to this creature who reminded me so much of Alice, and when she turned before opening the door to a silver car, I jumped up from my seat and ran to the door. Jacob stared dumbly after me until he saw me run out of the diner; he then rushed towards me, stopping me from running into oncoming traffic.

"Jacob, it was her. I swear it was." Frantically, my head jerked in all directions, trying to get a glimpse of the silver car again.

"Bella? What are you talking about?"

"That girl in the diner, it was Alice, it had to be."

"Alice Cullen? Bells, are you feeling okay?"

"Yes Jacob, I feel perfectly fine. But I swear that was Alice. We need to go after her! What if Edward was with her?"

I was getting more and more frustrated with Jacob. Why couldn't he understand this? Edward might be in that car! I had to follow it! Even if it was just Alice…I needed to follow that car.

It was then that I glanced at Jacob's face. It stopped my rambling. I had almost forgotten how Jacob feels about me. There was no way me getting like this just because I saw a girl who may or may not have been my future sister-in-law, get in a car that looked exactly like my future husband's wouldn't affect him.

Jacob was my best friend, but we could never been anything more then that. I still hadn't found closure.

"Jacob…I…"

"No. Don't. It's fine. We can follow them if you want to."

"Well we just rushed out of the diner without paying…I don't know if that's such a good idea. But…"

"We can find a hotel to stay in for the night. You can go look around town in the morning for them if you still want to."

"Are you sure?" I looked at him, my eyes swimming with tears. There was no way I deserved to have Jacob as my best friend.

"Yes. I know how much they meant to you. If this is what you want then that's fine with me."

"They still do mean that much to me Jacob," I took his hand in mine, "And I know you don't think it's a good idea, that he wouldn't want me back, but I have to find them. I need some sort of closure, even if he doesn't want me."

"He's an idiot for doing this you know? I would never let you go if I had you in the first place." His face plainly showed the hurt and anguish he felt. He still managed to smiled, trying to make me feel better, but it didn't reach his eyes.

I didn't say anything at that moment, just wrapped my arms around him. Once I had blinked back my tears I whispered thank you. His only response was to run my back reassuringly.

I knew I was being selfish. There was no way I could have Jacob and Edward at the same time. But he was the best friend I could ever want, and I needed him. But I knew in my heart that if I ever did find Edward, and for some reason he still wanted me, I would choose Edward. And I would hurt Jacob. As much as the thought of Jacob in pain killed me, I knew Edward would always come before him. So I would wake up early to look around town for that silver car. There was no way I would pass up this chance.

**A/N:**** So that's chapter 4, slightly cliffie! I've never really gotten to say that…it's so exciting! :D Anyways, I have chapter 5 all written and corrected, and once I have chapter 6 written I'll post 5. I want to try and stay one chapter ahead so that in case of extreme emergencies it wont take me twelve years to post the new chapter…but we'll see how that goes.**

**If any of you have any suggestions as to where I should go from here, they would be greatly appreciated.**

**Review please! They honestly, make my week. :D**

**I hope you liked it!**

**ECIsMyHero**


	5. Someone Else Can't Save Me

**A/N: Here's chapter 5. Sorry for the long wait. **

**Thank you to the magnificent _Siler-footsteps_, for working her beta magic for me.**

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**Chapter 5**

**Some one**** else can't come and save me from myself**

I woke up the next morning with a sense of anger that I hadn't felt since he left. Realizing that I had never been angry with Edward for leaving, I was more determined than ever: I would search this town. And God damnit, if Edward was here I would find him and get him to talk to me. He had broken my heart without a single glance and he owed me an explanation if nothing else. I had spent all this time being depressed with the fact that he left. I had never let myself feel as pissed off as I had the right to feel.

"_If and when I find him, he's going to get an earful." _

So I got in my car and started driving aimlessly around this small town trying to find a glimpse of any of the Cullens or their cars. The only Cullen I didn't particularly want to see was Rosalie because we had never really liked each other. Apparently she hated me because she thought I wasn't good enough for Edward. What does she care? She has Emmett. It's just plain rude.

"_Well you know what Blondie? If I see you I'm going to tell you exactly what I think about you. Screw the consequences. If she's allowed to openly hate me I should be allowed to too."_

I had never felt this much anger in my life. It felt kinda good. I had raw emotion and I was putting it to good use. I might be completely mental for wanting to find him after what he did to me but so be it. I was going to look. I was sure once I actually found him the anger would disappear and I would end up sobbing uncontrollably. But if it was the last thing I did, I will find him.

There were only two people I actually wanted to see at the moment, and they were Alice or Emmett. No matter how caring Esme was, or how wise Carlisle was, they couldn't instantly make me feel better like Alice or Emmett could. I was sure I would get a bone crushing bear hug from Emmett or be tackled by Alice if I saw either of them. But it would be nice to have them back in my life again. Maybe they could move back to Forks!

"_Woah Bella. Don't get ahead of yourself. Edward left you remember? Said he didn't love you anymore? That he didn't want you? Why are you even going after him? You're having fun with Jake right?" _

_"Of course I'm having fun with Jake, but this is Edward we're talking about. You know the guy; you were supposedly his soul mate, the one you wanted to spend forever with?"_

_"So what? He caused you enough pain. You're just setting yourself up for more. What if he still doesn't want you? Then what?"_

_"I don't know okay! I just know I want to see him again! Even if he doesn't want me, I need to see him. I can't keep doing this to myself!"_

_"Fine, just don't start crying again. You've done enough of that to last a lifetime. Right now you just need to focus on driving so you can find him."_

_"Yes M'am…Oh my…Sweet Jesus. I've gone insane. I should be institutionalized! I just spent God knows how long talking to myself in my car. What am I even doing?"_

_"You're going to find Edward."_

_"Oh you stay out of this. I think you've done enough."_

_"Hey don't get mad at me! I'm the one who kept you from losing it the past few months."_

_"Then why'd you stop? I've obviously gone completely mental!"_

_"I didn't stop. This is what you need right now. You need to see what you're doing to yourself, to Jake. So you need to make a decision. You either go find Jake and forget any of this ever happened, or you keep driving and look for Edward."_

_"Why give me an ultimatum? We both know I'm going to choose Edward. He's the only one that can get rid of this empty feeling inside."_

_"Then stop wasting time talking to me and pay attention to the road!"_

Deciding to take my own advice, I focused all my attention on the road in front of me. This was a pretty cute little town, full of little boutiques and restaurants. If there had been a pier to walk along it would remind me a lot of Port Angeles. But I couldn't let my thoughts wander; I'd wasted enough time on that. I just needed to focus.

I passed into a residential area and paid closer attention to what I was driving past. _Hmm... black car, blue car, no car…Silver car!_ I slowed down to get a closer look. What I saw made me stop the car completely. It was a silver S60R Volvo. The exact kind Edward drove.

_"Well what are you waiting for? You came all this way, you might as well go ring the doorbell and see if he's here. You've got nothing to lose at this point."_

With trembling hands I put the car in park, pulled the keys out of the ignition and opened the door. Slowly, I walked up to he front door, pausing a moment to collect my thoughts. Then, once I was sure I could handle anything that happened, I pressed one shaking finger on the doorbell and waited.

I heard the faint sound of footsteps approaching the door and my breath caught. When the door opened I stopped breathing altogether. My vision was going black but I managed to stutter out one last name before I lost consciousness.

"E-Emmett?..."

Then everything went black.

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**Hey guys! So that was chapter 5. Sorry for the wait. I wanted to finish writing chapter 6 before I posted this one, and I wrote chapter 6 during class at school so I've been done it for a while. but I wasn't sure if it was going to be long enough so I wanted to wait to type it up while I had a good amount of time so I could finish writing more if necessary.**

**Anyways, that chapter turned out kinda different then the rest of the chapters have been. I don't necessarily talk to myself, but I'm pretty unique so this showed more of my personality. **

**I hope you liked it! Reviews would be lovely :D**

**ECIsMyHero**


	6. Don't Resent Me

**Chapter 6**

**Don't Resent Me**

"Bella…Bella! You have to wake up!"

I felt my body being shaken from side to side violently, yet somehow gently.

"Bella! Shit! Edward is going to kill me if you don't wake up! What's going on! Damnit Bella! Open your eyes!"

I slowly, weakly, opened my eyes.

"E-Emmett? Is that you?"

"Bella! Oh thank God!"

"What happened? Why are you here?"

"What are you talking about Bella? You showed up here."

I sat up, disoriented and confused. Twisting my body to look at Emmett I slowly remembered everything that had happened. Seeing Alice at the diner, Jacob's face, the anger, then seeing Emmett and fainting.

"Emmett. Oh God. I'm so sorry! I was in the diner and I saw Alice, well at least I thought it was Alice, so I decided I would come look for you. I didn't think I would actually find you. But I had promised myself that after two years I would go searching for him. It's almost been two years you know. So I figured this was close enough."

I tried to calm my breath. I must have been quite the sight. I show up on their doorstep, see Emmett and faint, then I try to explain what was going on but it all seemed to be coming out in a jumbled mess. I just hoped to god Emmett could understand what I was trying to say.

"Bella! Slow down. Did you say you saw Alice?"

"Yeah, well, I didn't talk to her, I just saw her leaving the diner me and Jacob were eating in."

"Jacob?"

"Yeah, Jacob Black, I've been spending a lot of time with you since you guys left."

"Hmm. Are you sure it was Alice, Bella?"

"Well no, not entirely sure, it looked like her though, and then she got into a silver car that looked exactly like the Volvo…"

"One sec Bells, I'm going to go get Alice."

Suddenly the though of being here, in their house, without Emmett seemed petrifying.

"Wait! Don't go. Would she even want to see me? Do _you_ even want to see me? You guys left after all. Edward…is Edward here? I need to talk to him, but I don't know if I can. I mean, I know he doesn't love me anymore, but I need some sort of closure even if he still does feel that way…"

I was rambling, and I was fully aware of that. But it just felt so good to let it all out that I couldn't seem to stop.

"Bella, you need to calm down. Of course I want to see you. You've always been like a little sister to me. It killed us all to leave Forks. Alice will be bouncing up and down. Edward is out, he should be gone for a while," he explained, trying to answer all of my questions at once.

"Oh Emmett," I jumped up and gave him a hug, holding on as if my life depended on it, "I've missed you so much."

I felt his large arms wrap around me softly as he tried to stop my crying. He brought me inside and set me gently on the couch. Kneeling down beside me he said,

"I'll be right back, okay Bells? I'm just going to go get Alice."

I nodded and then closed my eyes, weak from my emotional outburst and fainting.

A few seconds later I could feel the presence of someone else. I opened my eyes and was instantly pummeled by Alice's tiny form.

"Bella! I am SO glad you're here! I had a feeling that you were going to be in town! You know how I am. I feel like I'm psychic sometimes! So I went looking for your car! And you saw me and tried to follow me. Oh! And who was that guy you were with? Are you two together? He was quite the looker!"

I laughed in spite of the awkward conversation she wanted to have. It felt like the entire world had shifted back into place once I stepped into their house. It felt right to be here, with Alice talking a mile a minute and Emmett on the other side of me on the couch laughing at Alice's choice of words.

"Alice slow down! I was with Jacob, he's just a friend."

"Oh right. Okay we can talk about him later."

She winked at me and started laughing. I had missed this more then I thought. Just the sound of Alice's voice had me feeling completely content.

"So how long are you staying for?"

"Well I didn't expect to actually find you, so we didn't plan anything. We were going to head back to Forks some time later today though."

Shock crossed her face. She was obviously not pleased with this answer.

"Well that's not nearly long enough. Will he let you stay any longer?"

"I'm not sure…but can we figure that out later? You said you saw I was going to be in town?"

I was hoping my not-so-subtle change of topics would get her off the subject of Jacob.

"Yes! I had a feeling you were coming here so I was looking for your car, but when I saw a car that I hadn't ever seen in town, I went into that diner. You know, just in case it was you. And it was! Oh I wanted to talk to you so badly! Bella I'm so sorry I didn't."

"It's fine Alice. We're talking now."

And I truly meant that. I grinned in her direction and she started talking again.

"Yes we are! Oh I'm so glad you found us. I've missed you so much Bella! It's been almost-"

I cut her off.

"Almost two years. Yeah I know."

She looked at me questioningly.

"I promised myself that after two years I would go looking for him. But I didn't know where to start looking. Me and Jacob have been going on road trips so I was hoping to find you on one of them."

"And you did! He's just out doing some errands. He'll be so happy to see you! I didn't tell him about what I was doing yesterday in case I was wrong because I didn't want to get his hoped up. But he'll be ecstatic to know that you're here now!"

_Hold up. Did she just say he would be excited?_

"What are you talking about Alice? Why would he be excited? He left me. He said he didn't love me anymore. He-"

I broke off into sobs.

"Oh sweetie…" She took me into her tiny arms and held on tight.

"He has some explaining to do. But I promise I won't let him do that to you again."

I didn't know what to say so I just nodded weakly into her shirt.

"Good. Now! How about we go get you cleaned up? We wouldn't want Edward to come home to you like this. I can't believe you still wear this kind of clothes. You could look so much better if you put a little effort into it Bella."

I rolled my eyes but was secretly excited that she seemed to miss me as much as I missed her.

Sometime during our conversation Emmett had slipped out of the room to give us privacy, so I didn't feel bad leaving with Alice.

"Yeah, yeah. Do whatever you want Alice."

**A/N: So sorry for the huge wait! I wanted to get chapter 7 written before I posted this chapter, but I haven't written in forever cause I've been working on this new story I'm attempting to write for fictionpress. Hopefully it was worth the wait?  
Review pleaseee!**

**ECIsMyHero**


	7. Fogetting all the Hurt Inside

**A/N:**** Alright, so when I started writing this story, I was planning on making them all human cause it's just easier that way, but I completely forgot about it when I was writing the last few chapters. So I went back and changed any references to them being vampires. It might not be very original excuses but they're there. **

**So, incase my rambling made no sense let me re-cap. In this story, everyone is a human. **

**Alright, on with chapter 7.**

**Chapter 7**

**Forgetting All the Hurt inside You've Learnt to Hide so Well**

After an hour or so of beautifying, Alice decided I looked perfect and that she could now interrogate me until I had to go talk to Edward.

"So who's this Jacob?" I sighed heavily, letting her know that I didn't appreciate the fact that I was being interrogated but that I would go along with it because I hadn't seen her in almost 2 years.

"Umm...well, he's a friend. I've known him most of my life because my dad is best friends with his dad. They live over on the reservation?"

"Mmhmm. That's all very interesting but not what I want to know right now Bella." She paused, to smile wickedly at me. "Are you guys together? Or have you ever been? What's the deal!"

"Alright. Well, he kinda...well he's made it clear that he likes me, and he wants us to be together. But after Edward...I don't know, it just didn't seem right. If we ever did get together I would feel like I'm betraying him because I'll always be in love with Edward...You know?"

During my little ramble, I had looked down at my hands, but now that I was done I looked up to see Alice, open mouthed staring at someone in the doorway. I slowly turned my body, only to see Edward standing just outside Alice's door.

I shut my eyes for a second, certain that this was a dream. There was no way Edward came into the room just as I was explaining why I could never love Jacob. That's just cruel. After everything that had happened to me, I thought I had made a truce with karma? Why does stuff like this happen to me? But no, when I re-opened my eyes, Edward was still standing there, a shocked look on his face, and Alice looked kind of scared and guilty all at once.

I took the moment to take in everything about Edward. His hair, gorgeous as always was still perfectly in tact and ready for me to run my hands through. His eyes, showed shock, and...was that sadness? Was he sad to see me? What am I thinking? Of course he is. I just barged into his house expecting some sort of closure.

_He doesn't want you! Get over it! _

I turned away, deciding it was best to keep looking at my hands instead of torturing myself by looking at him anymore.

"Bella?" I heard his voice coming from the doorway, soft and tentative.

_I have to get out of here._

"Bella...that is her isn't it Alice? I'm not dreaming?"

"No Edward, it's her."

"How did you...I mean...how did you convince her to come?"

"I...I didn't Edward. She showed up here on her own this afternoon."

"Wh-what? Bella?"

I raised my head and looked at Alice. She smiled slightly and raised her eyebrows, silently asking me if I was going to respond to him. I felt my eyes widen with fear. She must have understood my pleading because she asked Edward if he could wait outside for a minute.

"Bella. Look at me. Did you hear what he said? He asked if it was a dream. He wants you here."

"But I...Alice I don't know if I can do it. This was a stupid idea. He doesn't love me anymore. I'm just causing myself more pain."

"Bella stop it. He still loves you. He's been moping around here for the past two years. Every single one of us has tried to figure out a way to get him to go back but he seems to think you'd be so angry at him that we could never go back. He alternates between that, or you'd just be disgusted and wouldn't want to see him."

"You have got to be joking. There is no way that's true."

"Bella honey, you've got to believe me. Just talk to him. Let him explain."m

_Bella, just talk to him. If you're not going to leave then you might as well. You came all the way out here. _

"You're stronger then you think Bella."

I looked once more at Alice, before hugging her tightly and then turning towards the door. I had to do this quickly, before I could talk myself out of it.

My hand was on the door. I took a deep breath, then turned. He was standing there, in all his glory, hope written all across his face.

"Bella...can we talk?"

"Of course." My voice came out strangled and tight but it was enough to get my answer across. Maybe Alice was right. Maybe he does still want me.


End file.
